Trust has become an issue only recently. Well not so much ‘become an issue’ it has ‘become its own truth’ and I have become enlightened to my relationship with it.If you had asked me even 3 months ago.I would have said that I am comfortable with Trust .That I don’t have a problem with it.
I consider myself open and trusting to an extent , at the same time I’m no push over. I always defined ‘trust’ as others trusting me…The old line ‘Can you be trusted ?’ I have always focussed toward my self. My ability to be trusted. When on occasions I have realised that other people ‘cant be trusted’. I regard it as a problem that they undoubtedly must wish to resolve?…a slightly too trusting analysis on my part maybe?
I credit that my ‘trust’ instincts are pretty good . I like to think I read people quite well.. I do admit to instinctive detective skills. Part of the art of survival. Choosing the people closest to me, sensitive souls with a level of integrity…Trust and loyalty are key attributes in friends.
I am constantly aware that as a trusted individual, I need to be truthful and open.My reasoning being that all the broken heart in the world will not work again without the magic use of ‘Trust’. So initially I give pretty much everyone the benefit of the doubt.. in the hope that all will be well. Yeah Right! ….. (because I’m the one with something to prove.)
So while I seem not to have had a problem dealing with trust before. I now find myself exploring it a bit further, my measure, my perception of what is safe and what is not.
Just lately I have found through allowing my sense of childlessness to begin to rest more comfortably with myself, through communicating online with other childless women, that I have in fact previously been using trust as a way to validate myself.In my head it goes like this….Its a big thing to admit. But….
‘Is that person trustworthy? ie: worthy?…Yes, Good. No, well they must have had a hard life, lets give them the benefit anyway ( a strange kind of empathy)…Look at me. I am good and trustworthy…I pride myself on the ability to be trustworthy and better than others, even tho I am sad because I dont have a baby….therefore I am worthy and other people must think I am too. Now I don’t have to apologise to myself or the world for my mess.’
Ok survival technique ,call it what you like ….it wasn’t conscious…
I now realise that for years I have been using my ‘trustworthiness’ if you like, as a way of validating myself as a whole and acceptable human being,you may argue that many people do, but it has been far more than that for me. Its most definitely been a big part validating me and my lack of children..Using my ability to be trusted as a replacement for the goodness portrayed by motherhood in our society and the guilt in me and my life for the ‘things I did wrong’ to cause my childlessness.
This is too big a thing not to mention as I now find I have been subconsciously compensating for my self and how fucked up is that?…. This has come as big surprise… Life and the layers we live it through…My guilt transcended…A guilt I should not even have felt in the first place! ! ! !….I hate this guilt trip, I’ve been riding it forever and everything is wrapped up in everything else. Everything I portray has had to be understood and justified by myself and everyone around me , for fear of being regarded as abnormal, weird and ultimately judged. I realise that instead of being able to grow into me, I have been making up me. Pretty sad stuff eh!
No wonder I have driven myself more than a bit mad having been on childless autopilot for ever.
Not be able to have a child when you clearly want one, is a massive, emotional, complex, mental, personal and social equation.
……….and Trust is finally revealing itself the other way around too…I have realised, that since I joined the Gateway online community that I can open up to women like me about the deepest sadness in my life…As a result my trust issues are now working big time.At first I wondered if it was because I felt vulnerable or scared of other people…But I don’t feel vulnerable about my story and my truth. If anything , I gain strength from it.
I now know that years of being childless has lead me to live in an unhappy agreement with Trust and with people around me.
For decades, nearly everytime I gave someone the opportunity to be trusted with my story of childlessness, I was betrayed with pity, fear or disdain.
Learning to accept that trust is out there in a safe place is a very painful and moving experience….one that I am now begrudgingly and fearfully slowly opening up to. It has shown me that there is more to heal than my ‘non motherhood’. There is far far more to gain about myself ,at the other end of childless isolation, than just letting out the story.