Its 3 days after my first meeting with the Gateway Ladies and I am feeling Liberated..I have finally lifted the lid off a jar of emotion that was stuck in the back of the cupboard and had started to rust. The first movement of this lid was last week, after I had made contact on the web and blown the dust off the top. As the days have gone on it has slowly loosed with all sorts of toxic gases escaping causing riot with my senses.Today the jar stood open and there inside was a golden nugget of love glowing with a powerful energy..Its the only way I can describe it..I hope you can understand what I mean….All the time I was living the nightmare the intense emotions were performing deep chemical processes..I was a melting pot of fire and brimstone..That stone in my chest has become that big nugget of Love…The nugget of freedom.
Its 2 weeks later and boy, that wasn’t the end. The grief stored up inside me has truly shifted and has been seeping out of me . I have okay days and worse moments but no happy ones (I am holding onto that Nugget, I’m not sure where it is right now, maybe its doing the pushing.) After 28 years of storage I cannot expect to feel better immediately.
I am almost paralysed to any other experience. I now realise this will take alot of time and that I was overtired and worn down from it. After this long, I am in fact totally exhausted. I have had to be in denial since the age of 18.
I cant believe the amount of personal knowledge and opinions I have amassed about this subject, thoughts that are now switching on,lighting up my mind.Its some kind of grieving force of nature racing and battling through me. My sleep is erratic and my waking hours filled with nothing else.My head aches and I have periods of almost lifelessness as I struggle to get anything done that needs to be done.
This angst has become a part of my life, what will I do now? Now that I can ‘come out’. I have started telling my friends!!!! Properly telling them about my grief and pain, as though I have now had confirmation to acknowledge myself to myself and to the world as myself ,instead of masquerading for the pleasure of society as a “happy” person…
All the analysis of whys and wherefores over relationships through the years.My depressions and pain in making decisions about my life, the refuge I found in the wrong places and the need to overcompensate.They were all a way of frantically searching for meaning and truth in my life, an attempt to make sense of who I was and why my life was undermined in this way.
The Love and the hole in my gut, my heart,my life..It was more than child shaped it was more like the cruel hand of condemnation, the punishment and a cross to bear, living a sentence with no end.
And what now….?..Who am I ? ….It changes everything, the way I see life. But I don’t know how to see it any other way…The force of grief is moving and pulling me around, the sadness is overtaken and my fight is leaving me.
To ‘Live in the Moment’ is all well and good, this moment has been so long in coming, but I’m in it now. Crashing down on me,exploding after years …. I feel like I am crawling through rubble in a battle . Through to a golden sunshine, I know is there.