A (S)permanent Love

When we’ ve had problems with fertility. Do we over idealise the psychological scenario for our child to come even more than women who don’t. I have a very good friend, I met 7 years ago while living abroad.We’ve supported each through thick and thin..a fun and giving spiritual girl. She’s a had a rough time,with miscarriages and a still birth at 6 months, just over 2 years ago, with a man she was and still is in love with.However they parted under the pressures, he also lost his father about that time….She’s now 40…and of course, finding things difficult. She is single for now..she is praying for a miracle and the clock is ticking and she still wants a soul mate and a lovely life with children.What is so easy for  some women, seems to evade others and deal them a challenging and even cruel hand..I hope she gets what she needs , in the way that she wants

and I can understand her 100% totally and completely, I wanted the same, I tried so hard to bring it all together, with my 3 year relationship and my ideology. But at 39, my egg quality was so low that IVF with my eggs wasn’t an option anymore and I had cysts and fibroids to boot. I had imagined I would be fine to try until the age of 42 at least!..He is now married with a child.

However,I felt  I had pursued my dreams true to my emotions and apart from pushing things forward a couple of years..which may not have made a difference, I have real no regrets about the way that I chose to Iive my life at that point, I had gone with my heart… But rewind a few years back to when I was 31/32….. Instead of waiting for the next leading man, whom I met at 36, should I have toughened up a little in that department for the sake of my dream?

I thought I had it all planned out. I had been single from the age of 30 and was getting over my failed marriage, a marriage that I’d wasted nearly all my 20’s on. I had my 1 miscarriage aged 33  (via an old boyfriend actually, but it was complicated) Anyway ,after my 11 week pregnancy, I was so happy that I had ‘done it’ I truly resolved to working hard and buying my flat, so that I would have some real security for when I was pregnant the next time, alone or together. Who was I kidding ( once in 18 years of sex!! ) and after being told by Sir Robert Winston.’No way without IVF!’…it was a twist of fate and gave me false hope with a severe dilusion….But I felt I had proved them all wrong.After 15 years of pain, I was finally normal, maybe…

Instead of applauding my brief conception so frantically. Shouldn’t I have been frantically getting out there, to locate myself, the next instant source of life, instead of imagining it was now all sorted, that I would meet someone,I loved, hopefully it would last…But never the less, it would be someone I loved…

There are sperm banks out there just bursting with hot virile love. Men who donate, for a variety of reasons …..but whatever those reasons, the genes belonging to these men, (who can never get up and leave) .. obviously have a ton of  ‘get up and go’, to have ‘got up and gone’ .. This kind of distanced logic, so is becoming far clearer to me at the age of 46 than it ever was at 34, when I really  needed it!  

Now I’m not saying it’s for everyone.God knows, back then I couldn’t bear to think about it to any extent. However, surely the kind of genes you want in your baby, are exactly the kind you are likely to find in a sperm bank ? Conscious, assertive, the key skills for a caring child able to survive…I’m sure that mass murderers are not allowed to donate, while pathetic whingy men that can’t get off their arses off the sofa, simply wouldn’t make it to the front door of the clinic….I never seriously considered this aspect in my 30’s, the integrity or enterprising characteristics! I couldn’t get that far. My heart ruled every roost .When I did try to think seriously about my fertility and confront  decisions about paternity, Bang! I shut them out. I was an emotional wreck as far as logic went..and so I didn’t look at the options properly. Tho I know women who did and  now have children. Why didn’t I ? Was it just my ‘Happy Ever After’ that concerned me?

There are so many ethics and moral issues aren’t there?…Are there? Really? In this day and age,?with science pushing all the boundaries?…..Some decisive, less ‘slave to the romantic heart’ women, might disagree..We are still resigned, many of us girlies, to our fairy stories. Even in crisis, those pink princesses have a lot to answer for.  I reasoned or rather ‘told’ myself , that I needed my child to know who its father was, or at least have a proper chance to know who he was. Who was I to bring possible psychological problems to a unborn child by not giving it a tangible father. Also, quite importantly, I also wanted to make sure that  my traits , in humanity and creativity, would not be bulldozed or obliterated out by some kind of weirdo. And thats the truth.That worried me, alot.

Who would this child be? I wouldn’t know.Would I be able to relate properly to a child from a man that, in real life ,I maybe could not even have a  conversation over  a coffee with?..a man I even intensly disliked who I could never imagine falling for or even having sex with! The thought of having his sperm inside me!!! For me Life is all about ‘the Connection’. I’m just not comfortable with casual sex, even though I have it in the past And even tho there would be no sex…I somehow needed it to mean something.

How could I judge from a form he had filled out? I mean, what if we could meet, hypothetically and then didn’t connect? and I then brought an unhappy life into this world, that’s if my body didn’t reject meeting the sperm of a man I’ve never met! The emotion and science,didn’t gel with my inner princess..I already had the underlying feeling that I wasn’t a good enough to have a baby. Society and culture supports all of that, especially in your vulnerable times. Ultimately I couldn’t handle anymore guilt if it went wrong.

Looking back,I was actually just too frightened to take too much real control. To be inside the mind of a women who desperately wants a child can be a very fucked up experience. For many, love has deserted us and as we all know.Love is everything, it gives us hope, protection and makes babies for us.There are times in my life, when I have felt I would have died for love in all its depth and passion and glory.Bloody stupid really.Then I wouldn’t have even been here. Its too much about the feeling and not enough about the thinking….or is it the other way around?…too much about both.

Get on with it,just get the baby!!!!…I had conversations with a couple of women at the time who actually said that.Lesbians and obviously harder hearted women.”just get the baby” How could they understand? Honestly, as if It wasn’t bad enough not getting the baby under my own steam, I mean some women can get one from a one night stand and they don’t even know how they got it !!! If I couldn’t get the man either…What did that say about me…ME yes ME. ME ME Poor ME….Now there s a common thread in my life…If I had only realised …. That one useful frightened selfish, arrogant thing about myself……

And that, at this point in my life, I might be looking back at myself screaming. You silly girl “Yes YOU, it is about YOU sweetheart .So get what YOU bloody well need and… Make that Cake”…YOU can put the icing on later!…..Hindsight is wonderful thing…..

There’s nearly always a man, somehow, somewhere, someday.But as we know, because our Grannies have told us (and it’s true)… They are like buses, you can wait a decade for one going the same way as you…. and then 3 come together.

( Now theres a thought !)

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About infertilewoman45

I write about infertility and being childless, hopefully with a little humour ! Yes there can be such a thing ... :0) Activist within the Childless Community. Supporter of Gateway Women.
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One Response to A (S)permanent Love

  1. Jules says:

    Brilliant post

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