Since I joined the Women’s forum 2 days ago, I have found a sea of grief from the circumstantial childless and infertile. The silent waves crash in and out, over a current of anger,fear and despair. I knew I wasn’t the only one.But you are never sure of whats ‘normal’. Or your ability to cope….at certain times, you never know if you are going mad. At last women are communicating thru the internet, change of some sort will come.
For me,infertility has felt almost like a lonely terminal disease.That may sound way too strong!…and indulgent… I am alive for Gods sake, get a grip woman…You dont have cancer or an illness that will eventually lead to death. I feel sick with myself for even writing it, not to mention pathetic and exposed. However inside myself at my core,sometimes I feel as tho I am dying.The mother in me is clinging on, nuturing me and telling me all will be well. If I just “keep it together” and “keep it all going”.
I have been constantly aware for the majority of these last 28 years that I am losing my children, the miscarried,the ones still un conceived. Every month as I have waited for P Day I’m super aware, on ‘P Watch’, totally focussed on every change my body is experiencing…..on occasions for up to 2 weeks a month….
Until there comes a time when chances end. Thats almost where I am now..
We have friends who are already grandmothers!!!!! ….This is the next wave of OOOhs and AAAhs and excitement around us to come,…It seems that with the menopause, there will not come finality.I feel women like myself, are almost forced to observe other peoples lives, unable to immerse ourselves fully into our own,due to the missing pieces in our picture.It can become unbearable,leading to reclusiveness and depression.
The voice of the infertile woman needs to be heard and understood by the masses.Stories needs to be told.The very acknowledgement of the grieving process of an infertile woman needs to be psychologically documented and addressed by the medical profession…..and information for help and support made available in our communities .It is not something that is “curable”. It is a condition, a unique sets of experiences linked by common threads. When the lows come,they really come. To be alone in this grief can be totally disabling.
All through life, I have been on the edge of depressions, breakdowns, never quite getting there. There have of course been other circumstances in my personal life. Ones I have analysed extensively.
But, underneath every aspect of any other issue I have had to contend with, is a bed in which I have laid for my whole adult life. A bed which everyday, I struggle to get up from, a bed that calls me back to lie down, so that I become almost paralysed at times by grief for my lack of ability to have a child. Not only do you not have children, if you’re not careful.You do not have a life.
On the flip side of this coin, I have despite this,achieved quite a life, I suppose. I have a strength, that has seen me create projects and live in other countries.Not to mention my passions, my friends and relationships.I can seem invincible and determined to people who know me…. I am always overcompensating for myself, because I need to keep going, I have no other way right now…… and I would stop it all, to have a child in my arms …….still……in fact now with this Hysterectomy looming. I really am tired…and getting more tired. Maybe its time for a break for a few months….Life will still be here.