Ta DaH!!!…..My last ever period has arrived, today..on April 1st 2013…..April fools day! I am 46 years old.
In 29 days, I will be in Hospital for a nearly Full Abdominal Hysterectomy.Hopefully they’ll leave my ovaries so I will not divebomb into immediate menopause and look as tho I have born 100 children and lived in a shoe !!….hold that thought!!!….Pass the HRT!!
“April bloody fool !”
Honestly! You couldn’t write the book!……Where and when exactly, is the chapter where I have the last laugh?…This is just crying to be written down! ( I had a good cry of “i’m so fucked up” this morning, after frantically cleaning my house, like a deranged woman on speed and nearly having a row with my boyfriend, who has since made me breakfast ) I’ve come back to bed… But I am glad, I had taken the precaution of 3am toilet roll and wasn’t going to have to wash the sheets as well…..I mean I may have another period, when I’m having the operation,who knows ?….
However, the timing of this last reminder of the state of my fertility after 28 years of wanting and waiting to have children is one last bad joke, kick in the teeth.
2 days ago, I joined a forum called Gateway Women, an online group for women who are childless by circumstance….In other words, not women who have decided they don’t want children.These are women like me,Women who have either suffered infertility, or women who have not found partners, or who have had partners not wanting children etc. Its a great network and finally a voice for us all to know that we are not worthless and going nuts.
So I’ve put my blog on the forum..deciding its now time to write again…excuse me if I ramble, I’m a bit rusty after 8 months…It’s so Ironic to think that 8 to 9 months after the conception of a blog, I will be having this hysterectomy…and cutting the infertility cord once and for all…I haven’t had good eggs for 6 years.
So what can I say?…The decision to have a nearly Full Hysterectomy has been taken because I have lots of horrid fibroids, inside and outside of my womb, if they remove just the fibroids they may return….and basically, Ive just had enough….. Now I want to be well.
They will cut me on my bikini line (as if I’ll ever be wearing one that low again !!!) as one of the large fibroids is peduncular,between my womb and bowel…..Heaven forbid that should go wrong!
So I’m now really resigned to the fact .That it’s the end of not being able to have children. Its only taken 28 years to wear me down..I’m an eternal optimist.I’m now feeing I’m about to be caught between final grief and the wonder of what new expectation will bring.I hope I can stay on a level.The physical benefits of this operation are that, afterwards…( not in the immediate future of course)..I should be much less lethargic, with reduced pain.
Also, I will not have to live my life around the delightful surprise actions of my bowel and bladder, both have been taking unscripted centrestage moments in public arenas. Like, on the Tube, in shops and far too often just, outside my front door as I am trying to find my keys! Currently I can’t drink even 1 litre of water a day. Once I’m womb and fibroid free, I should eventually be able to drink gallons, while retraining my bladder muscles.
And then…..When I have boundless energy and am nearly 50 years old, I will look at something…somewhere..that involves children .My grandmother lived fairly healthily to 103, so I reckon I can make it to 90. I feel like for the first time I’m truly going to be in a position where I can look forward, instead of looking back.
The gene thing for me is a long gone need, “we get pregnant so easily in our family” Sure we do !!!!….anyway lots of our genes running around. Time for something new..and I’ve met some Impressive people.
I spent 10 years in India and Nepal , since the Millennium and saw hundreds of unwanted babies and children. I was inspired by so many women, one in particular.
A lovely Danish woman in her 60’s called Kiki who has opened 2 homes for unwanted children.I visited the kids and saw what she had done. Children left by mothers that were too ill or poor to keep them.Children that had been abused and orphaned. They are now living in lovely clean houses, going to school, learning English and are loved, they have hope for the future, despite their tragic lives..One big family…and wow they love and take of each other too.
What a generous strong woman Kiki is, she’s had 2 husbands…(she kept the jewellery and the houses) but unfortunately wasn’t able to have her own children.She lives in the Canaries for half the year and spends the rest on a 5 month visa fighting for street children in Nepal and creating lovely homes for about 50 other children.She has amazing staff.
She told me, “This is the happiest time of my life, these are all my children, I am like their Grandmother.” I was so moved and felt I should do something too, just what ?
She said to me..and I’ll never forget it, it was only 4 years ago..
“Its too soon for you ,you may have still have your own baby.But if you don’t,you can do something ……you have more to offer because of that. You know there are other ways to be a mother”
I still have have alot to say…God knows how I will feel emotionally day to day leading upto and after my hysterectomy.
But overall.My mind can now finally start to stretch to the future, I am being freed.I hope the anger and pain will start to leave.
Thanks for reading…..
This is Kikis page.