mmmmm….?…Isn’t it?……Why is it such a shame?
We view the word Shame with totally opposite feelings in terms of the way we use it. When people say its a shame, they are well meaning and sensitive to us…and we know they are.
But the question of shame is one that has secretly haunted me..once I had managed to get over the initial shock, the lack of understanding gave way to a level of acceptance made possible by an underlying feeling of shame. I felt if anyone knew about my infertility, people wouldn’t know what to think either and that ultimately they would pity me. I suppose I am from a world that has always seen blame as an answer. I felt obligated to defend my infertility from my blame of shame,so perhaps I was in conflict with ‘what I thought I should feel’ and ‘what I did feel’….Not very helpful really. That was the state of mind I was in…..very confused and scared as it was making me a more than a bit crazy !!!!!!!
Anxiety and the Mind…..Defence or justification of course is impossible, you cannot defend of justify what you do not know and understand properly, nor should defence and justification be part of the equation, it simply ‘is’ what it is. But the fact that I felt I had been targeted meant there was also a WHY ME aswel as a WHY???…What had I done to deserve this massive flaw in my world?..It felt like punishment or a way of stopping me make unforgivable mistakes in the future… and so in the face of adversity I thought I would have to come out fighting with something to say.
At 18 and 19, there was no other way to defend or justify this situation,to myself or anyone else, other than to pursue treatment As tho this was a long hard process that would reverse the whole mess and rectify everything, re establishing my status of ‘whole’ woman.
And being ‘whole’ was the problem, I wasn’t ‘whole’ and I didn’t feel ‘whole’ and so while trying to deal with the infertility ‘myself’ aswell as to ‘the outside world’. The feelings connected to ‘not being whole’ would hit my nerves like a tidal wave out of nowhere, triggered by anything external or internal , at any given time…..it was like having the ground disappear from under me..I would feel sick,shaky and burst into tears at the slightest thing.I realise now I was having anxiety attacks quite regularly.In the years ahead as time passed, I found other things in life to be anxious about and the issue got filed away for weeks and even months at a time which suited me, as everybody kept saying,I had loads of time.’ Good’ cos I didn’t want to think about it.
I still feel responsible for my infertility and I don’t think it’s rational,I know it’s not. However in my mind, there still has to be a reason ‘why’ at times. And there is one of course, I just don’t know exactly what it is. So for the sake of my sanity, I subconciously allow the responsibility to rest with me. If I just do that, I can stop asking why quite so much and just feel shit and but calm for a while. ‘Why’ is a big thing thats wears you down…..it’s both necessary and pointless.
Maybe there is a sense of responsibility in my maternal instinct for the unborn too. Whatever it is?….some responsibility refuses to leave completely….I am much better at taking the view, these days that it “just Happened to me” But thats taken a long while…and it stops the anxiety but not the pain.