Hysterical Thoughts

Wow….so I started this blog 1 month ago , stupidly thinking that everyday I would write some piece of thought, transient as it maybe…. and that it would lead me to clarity.

MMmmm….how wrong could I be !

One most painful month  later,I have almost convinced myself to have a full hysterectomy…just as I am gaining a vision of my life’s plan, the hormones kick in  and the pain suddenly feels like the force of Mother Nature taking over,telling me that in this condition..”.NOoooooooooo!!!!!”… The condition being painful multiple fibroids pressing into every conceivable angle including my bladder and bowel, not to mention enlarged and stressed areas, that could all cause operating complications and lead to a full hysterectomy anyway…. thoughts of even attempting IVF are in doubt once more.

If I could get pregnant naturally, there would be no time for any of this wrangling over decisions… I would just simply have to get on with it, regardless of circumstance, emotionally,physically or socially….Here I am again harking back to my whinging “IF ONLY” what a waste of time that is….Its just spending time in “DENIAL” 

But I now think my dream may have been just that… a bit of a dream.Some say I should still go for the fibroids and then an IVF course with donor egg.. after these last few weeks, most of it sleeping and lying around feeling like an invalid, as much as I wanted to a month ago, I also want to be fit and healthy .. other options are out there .ie adoption.. and free from the uncertainty of being physically under parr. My current health and dreams are not so equal…..some part of me wants to draw a line, maybe my uterus …I think..

You may wonder why in the time that I have known about my infertility, I have not made better decisions and stuck with them. Well after my miscarriage in 2000, I firmly “believed” that if it had happened once it would happen again, I was 33 at the time.Life changes.Infertility, unfortunately doesn’t….always…At the age of 39, 6 years later, life intact and armed with my serious relationship, I marched into the Royal Free Hospital in Hampstead, full of anticipation, prepared to sell my flat to pay for the treatment.. Only to be told after 2 hours! that my eggs had gone past their sell by date and that there was ‘Nothing more we can do’ !!!!…Just like that

  • Absolutely devastated I decided to ‘draw a line’ under it all.

I realised I should never have “waited” for a man who I considered suitable and more than that, one I loved enough to truly want to have a child with..( Isn’t that what’s supposed to happen when you decide to have a family?)

Well let me just say now. If you are reading this and have infertility issues and you don’t have a man or a fantastic marriage, just remember that none of the “rules” apply.I guess I’m not as much of a rebel as I thought.I also realised that just because I had miraculously concieved and carried for 11 weeks 6 yrs earlier, I should never have fantasised about it meaning that ‘it would all somehow be alright in the fairy story end’

On the subject of Donor eggs

I remember at one point, I think around 31, when I was single, I was offered free IVF  in exchange for my eggs.It completely threw me… I couldn’t get around the thought of a little me running around out there and never knowing him or her, even if I could conceive thru IVF with donor sperm , ( which I also couldn’t get around the thought of ) . even if I did conceive and did have a partner..it was too much to have to deal with..I was already dealing with so much mentally and emotionally .I wonder if any of these deal ideas come from women with infertility issues or well meaning women or men who ‘live in a shoe’

Anyway… after the age 39 episode of “NO HOPE’ I had managed to change the scenario in my head into one of potential adoption, that seemed alot easier to handle and control.There would be a child somewhere, but 3 years later ,my relationship ended and i was alone facing the prospect and living in Asia.(Another story) I did find a child I was very drawn to ,she was a 3 year girl from Nepal, but adoption was impossible in the country at the time and still is to a greater extent if you are from the UK.

At 45…My infertility once again, continues to dominate my thoughts on a daily basis.

2 years ago at 43, thru a smear test results chat, a well meaning female doctor told me that I should give it one parting shot …..not to give up hope and that IVF had progressed, women everywhere are having babies in their 40’s now..I should be retested and go for it, or I might regret it….My heart awakened and started to hope…..again..

Well….The procedure is now more successful 50 -60%…But…with donor eggs (another story)…I had been against it always thinking about the child,the future and potential issues involved… However, my current boyfriend encouraged me to talk it thru. I HAD REAL INTENTIONS FOR A WHILE….I WAS TAKEN IN BY THE SUPPORT, AND THAT IT WOULD BE ‘MY BABY”.. But given the state of my health now (No one will perform IVF without the removal of fibroids) and my age, never mind if this relationship lasts! Its not just the ethical angle.

I cannot currently work, I am in pain and the fibroid op alone would not relieve that…I don’t feel the urge to be pregnant anymore, but I still desperately want have children in my life ….. I think about all the children in this world,already born, alone and abandoned…aren’t they crying out for someone to love them?…if women like me won’t…

Where is the balance between nature and nuture?

If theres one thing infertility teaches you, its “how many different ways there are to be a mother”.I now hope I am finally going to be brave enough to be one of those mothers, I now am starting to feel that with a full operation and my health back I can get to my fighting weight again. And at that, I can take on the world.

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About infertilewoman45

I write about infertility and being childless, hopefully with a little humour ! Yes there can be such a thing ... :0) Activist within the Childless Community. Supporter of Gateway Women.
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