I wish I could say that I had been through 3 attempts at IVF and had spent a whole mortgage … experienced scenes with a man holding my hand,looking into my eyes as I bravely went through treatment to secure a much wanted child, but unfortunately I can’t, though I have had a million tests and a few operations. IVF was on the cards once,with the king of baby makers, Sir Robert Winston, I got to the appointment stage, but then a nasty husband ruined that little plan.He wasn’t the hand holding type!
Now at this point I must be honest about my infertility?fertility….People bombard me with all sorts of stories of miracle pregnancies. After the nearly IVF stage and the end of my marriage! I did become a miracle story.
Aged 33, I miraculously became naturally pregnant for 11 weeks…It was in the millennium !!!!!..(a sign!!!!) Despite regular sex all through my adult life, it had never ever happened before and never has since. However at the time ,it completely overwhelmed me !!! After years of low self esteem, those 11 weeks,well the 4 that I knew about the conception, including the ultimate loss, totally confirmed my womanhood to me.
It almost seemed enough.Enough for me to positively restrengthen my resolve and mental attitude 100%. It would happen again and I was going to be a mother. HHmmmmmm….?
Oh man!!!!!……There are so many things I want to say about dealing with my fertility and how it has affected me, that I really don’t know where to start.
So to the start……..To find out at 18 is very very tough… It was during the early 80’s. . I had gone into A&E one cold night after heavy blood loss. I was given a laparoscopy, a minor operation where they examine you via a tiny camera passed through a tube into the belly button..the results were not conclusive to anything as it had been too difficult to see clearly exactly what had happened to me.
The following morning I was in a ward full of women,( mainly there for abortions ) when the news was casually broken to me by a nurse in her 40’s. She said it was “Highly unlikely” I would ever conceive. She followed up by flippantly saying to me “Don’t worry ,it happens to alot of women .You’ll get used to it”….I was 18 !!!
Totally in shock at the time and certainly for the next dazed 3 years, I have now spent over half my life dealing with that devastating information…with alot more to add. I can honestly say I have never really found anyone I could talk to openly and honestly about it.
I have wanted to vent my feelings about this subject for so long now. As I have grown so have they.I’ve had 27 years to dwell on my infertility, the power I allowed it to take from me and also to give me…the decisions in life I subconsciously took as a result…and the procrastination and underlying fear that set in me like stone.
The views I have come to hold about parents, attitudes to having babies. Children abandoned in this world, my feelings on love, selfishness, insecurity and responsibility and the way our society is obsessed with its own genes. The genuine path to truth and honesty evades many people as they have babies, planned or not as though it were the most natural thing in the world….which of course, it is…
Beneath my independent ‘free to do anything I like at the drop of a hat life’, that has seen me travel and pursue dreams, while other women are ‘stuck’ !! I have secretly felt desperately angry and sad with my cheated life, angry with myself and forever guilty, forever taking punishment, forever in grief for a child that was never to be. From the beginning, it was the one thing I knew I would always want, but from that point at the age of 18, I felt there was something about me that was not deigned good enough to have a baby.That feeling has subconsciously shaped my life as a woman.
The nurse in the hospital was so wrong, you never ever ‘get used to it’.
It has lead me to make choices I would have never made. 27 years down the line… Am I nearer or farther away from my dream of being a mother ?.. I have allowed it to disempower me like nothing else and all the self help and positive thinking in the world, hasn’t helped it….Only now at 45 am I realising the power it has had and I am doing this to address it… It’s been like a terminal phantom pregnancy affecting every aspect of my life.