I am writing this for myself as much as anyone else really.Because there is really no one who can relate to me, all infertile women have their own stories ,their own life patterns and their own ways of coping with or ignoring it.
Its my instinct to give birth, thats lead me to writing this piece, as my contribution to human life and as a necessity to my sanity. Therefore as the Mother of its invention I feel the need to ‘burst out something into the world’, when I cant ‘t burst out a baby..
So here goes…
Yesterday afternoon I went to Kings College Hospital for my gynae appointment about the fibroids in and around my womb…We discussed the options,
1/ Keeping them and living a slowed down form of life with regular toilet sprints , early nights and presumably lots of tea and sympathy.
2/ Getting rid of them all, by going under the knife.
3/ Just the fibroids or the whole shebang?….a full Hysterectomy!….freed of physical pain forever.
I was then asked, how I felt about my ‘infertility’. I looked at the lovely caring very experienced female Doctor, who had made her concern for women in my position a calling.
I looked at her, not really knowing what to say or really knowing what I felt anymore.”How long have you got?” I said. I have been friends with my infertility from the tender age of 18.
The upshot of this question tho was, that If I could get pregnant naturally and still wanted a baby? The best thing to do,would be to have a baby and then have the full hysterectomy….but of course thats not the case for me…I have adhesions at the ends of my fallopian tubes that make it nearly impossible for an egg to make it into a tube at all.The only way I could have a child now is through IVF with a donor egg.Something I have breifly looked into and am still unsure about.
However, tonight I am feeling the final blows of infertility, that on top of my eggs shrivelling up,quite simply,there is practically no time to hope anymore. I need to clean myself up or my health and quality of life will deteriorate.I feel like I have been bleeding for over 30 years ,with nothing to show for the pain! It is time to get seriously scared…I’m going to get this op done and then get myself some donor eggs and then I’m going to have my baby…